Recovering

Still very bruised and swollen...the left side is not shaped as round as the right. But I'm happy to have my drains out!!!

Thought this was funny...gummy bear boobs!

Double Mastectomy

After three days of recovery from my skin-sparring bi-lateral mastectomy direct to implant, I am left very sore and bruised. There was a complication with my left breast (the one that DIDN'T have cancer) and my flap" got torn. It left me with stitches on the top of my left nipple and the doctors were concerned that nipple might not survive. As it is, the nipple's main blood supply is internal so with this procedure it has to suddenly switch to getting it's blood to survive from the surrounding skin. And now that it got sliced, the doctors weren't sure it would make it. So, I had to spend some time in the hyperbaric chamber.

They were able to take my port out during the surgery, which is nice because I was expecting that to be a separate procedure. But now I have two more drains.

Drain

Feeling a little sore, and not digging this drain sticking out of my arm pit.

Axillary Lymph Node Removal

Getting more lymph nodes removed at City of Hope today...wearing my lucky glasses with Melanie and my mom by my side. Here we go!

Dolled Up

Going to a fashion show tonight and I'm all dolled up! LOVING the new red hair!

Second Opinion

With surgery scheduled for 11 days from now, I am having some fears. I love my surgeon at City of Hope, Dr. Kruper, who did my segmentectomy beautifully...but my plastic surgeon seems a bit inexperienced with this particular procedure. She has only done it a handful of times and I never really connected with her.

In our meeting earlier this month she gave me a bunch of choices to make about which kind of implant: round, tear-drop shape, silicone, saline...and i felt overwhelmed. I asked her to guide me based on how I look now and explained that I am hoping to look as close to my natural shape/size/feel as possible. But she didn't provide much guidance. So i did a TON of research online and asked a bunch of people with implants to give me advice. I decided that I prefer tear-drop silicone.

However this last meeting with the plastic surgeon was very confusing. I felt like the information was inconsistent, like her insisting that I have the round implants. I spoke with my surgeon about it and told her that I have an appointment to get a second opinion from a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. She told me to consider the fact that they won't accept MediCal and I would have to pay cash. She also told me to ask questions like, what implants she would recommend for me. Then she said, "Do you  mind if I ask who you plan to see for a second opinion." I told her Dr.Cassileth and she was like, "Ohhh I went to med school with her! She's great!!!" So, I am excited to go and gather more information to help make my decisions.

Neiman Marcus Event

Today I was a part of an event at the Neiman Marcus, Topanga location, raising money for breast cancer. I did an informal fashion show and got to wear Prada, Valentino, Alexander McQueen and all kinds of beautiful things. After the breast cancer speaker, they re-introduced me not as the model, but as a breast cancer patient. I took my wig off and everyone was shocked...lol. I heard a few people even cried. But I found out afterwards that everyone who attended donated to the cause! Mission accomplished! And I got to take home two bags of cosmetics and other gifts :)

Double-mastectomy

With only 16 days until my surgery, I may be making some changes to the plan. The other day I met a girl named Jen...she just had the same procedure at City of Hope that I have scheduled. She is a smart and very sweet girl. She showed me her breasts one month after surgery and it was really hard for me. The scars go from the bottom of her nipples out to the sides. I have asked my surgeon why they can't enter through the inframammary crease (under the breast) where the scars will be hidden and she said that it would make it difficult for them to remove all the tissue from the top of the breast. The inframammary crease is where they took my lump out from my right breast (during my lumpectomy in June) and it looks really good. You can hardly tell I was operated on there.

So, after spending a few hours on the internet, I found several doctors that perform the procedure through the inframammary crease, which much more aesthetically pleasing before-and-after photos. So, I wrote an email to my surgeon, with website links, asking her to consider performing my surgery that way, or I would be considering getting it done with a doctor that would. We shall see...

I firmly believe that this will be offered more widely soon, but it'll all so new that mastectomies can be performed with the skin-sparring and direct-to-implant that a lot of doctors haven't caught up. Hopefully this will push my hospital to offer the procedure this way for other women.

Below is an example I found online of the scars that are left with the direct-to-implant mastectomy when it is NOT perfomed through the inframammary crease. I am willing to put in the time and money to have it done without such scars, if my surgeon is not willing to perform the procedure through the inframammary crease.

Radiation?

So, after being told by my oncologist that radiation was mandatory for my treatment plan, despite my best efforts to argue the side effects outweighing the benefits, I met with my radiation oncologist today at City of Hope. I got a full consultation from the oncology nurses and we went over all the details of my case, treatment thus far, etc. Then the doctor came in and sat down.

He said, "So...you may not need radiation."

Whaaaaa???? Really!?! I have been arguing for weeks about how the side effects, which include lung damage (shortness of breath) and surgical complications with the mastectomy site, would outweigh the small percentage of risk it lowers for recurrence.

Apparently we won't know until after my surgery, because the decision will be based on the pathology results, which take about five days to come in. Once they get them (first week of October), the tumor board will sit down and conemplate the findings. Basically, if there are still any cancer cells found, they will need to radiate me and/or if they see scars from the tumors extending passed four lymph nodes. As of now, they only know that the cancer covered the first two lymph nodes under my arm.

So, we'll see. Would be awesome if this surgery was the last part of my cancer treatment!

Stubble

I know I should be happy to see a five-o-clock shadow on my head...but I am also starting to find hairs in other places....places that I have really enjoyed my hair loss.

I haven't had to shave my legs, arm pits, or my "bikini" area for months. And I have enjoyed that immensely!!! It's honestly almost worth wearing wigs to always have silky, smooth skin everywhere.

Although, I do miss my eyebrows...even though I am getting pretty good at drawing them on. And eyelashes are nice, too...but those can easily be glued on for getting dressed-up.

Reminiscing.....

Sometimes I look back at old photos and I miss my hair...

Alien

Yesterday I got paid to be an alien...lol. Had a photographer book me to shoot while he was in town from Canada and we got super creative. It was nice to make some cash and play in front of a camera :)

Mantra

My friend Lauren, who is a massage therapist and comes to help my body process the chemo almost every week, asked me to repeat the words, "Let me be happy, Let me be strong, Let me be free" during one of our sessions a few months ago. And that has become my mantra...I repeat it in my mind when things get too difficult and it always helps me re-focus my energy. I think every one should try having a mantra. Now I don't even have to try to remember the words, and their meanings have become very valuable to me. I made this painting the other day. And when I am completely done with my treatment, I plan on having my mantra in a tattoo along my ribs, similar to the photo below. I can't wait!

Venice

Today Rick got a new lens for his camera and asked me to go to Venice Beach with him to play in front of his camera...so he could test the lens out. I'm really glad he got me out of the house because I have been super sore in my hips and knees and it's been keeping me in bed more than I should be.

One of the really nice things about having Rick in my life is that he met me when I had already lost my hair and been going through this whole ordeal and he cares about me how I am. He's not afraid or grossed-out or anything by me. Most of the time we hang out, I don't bother putting a wig on...in fact, he encourages me frequently not to wear one. So I feel very safe being myself around him :)

Plus, he makes me look like a barbie doll!

Bondage Ball

Rick invited me to this party called the Bondage Ball, which caters to the fetish community. I love getting all dressed up so I got into it, donning a latex outfit I had from a shoot and NO WIG. To my shock, several times throughout the evening I had people coming up to me complimenting my boldness in shaving my head. I don't think they realized that it really wasn't my choice, in that community it's not only acceptable, but beautiful to have no hair :) Made me feel so good!

Sunset

Today Melanie took me to a beautiful spot to watch the sunset...lol. I love my wifey <3

Surgery

My surgery has been officially scheduled at City of Hope for September 30th. I've opted for the skin-sparring double-mastectomy, direct to implant. Pretty crazy.

Post-Infusion

Today, I am spending the whole day in my bed.

LAST CHEMO!!!

Today was my last day at chemo! I made a new friend, named Francine, who is also undergoing chemo for her breast cancer. And the nurses even came and sang me a last day at chemo song after my infusion!!! Feels great to have that behind me, even though i am super nervous about my upcoming surgery! My mom bought tickets to come out to Cali to help take care of me, so that makes me feel better :)

Tough Decisions

Sometimes I just wanna lay in bed until the cancer is all gone. The mornings are when I have the least motivation...also because my bed is so damn comfortable. 

But, only one more chemo and some overwhelming decisions to make about the new boobs. Anyone with implant experience wanna message me their recommendations on various styles...i.e. tear-drop shaped versus round? It seems straight-forward but there are actually a lot of pros and cons to both.

Red Carpet

Got invited to an event at Neiman Markus. They want to collaborate with me on some breast cancer events coming up! So excited :)

Bummed by a Boy

Super bummed out today because I went on three dates with this guy who seemed like he had a lot of potential...super handsome, smart, wealthy...and then i told him about my health situation. I minimized it as much as possible and assured him of all the ways I have been living and having fun and how I only have one more chemo and am almost through it! He seemed to take it well, asking a lot of questions, but repeating how it made him feel like a baby for all the things that he complains about. In any case, this morning I got a long text, basically saying that it was too heavy for him and that he just wanted to be friends. :( Sucks.

I feel like the worst part of this cancer has been how people treat me...particularly men! It's like they have no coping mechanisms! I go this handled...not asking for any of your help!!!

Home-Bound!

Road trip back from Vegas with my girlfriend Kendall :)

VEGAS

Having a great time in Vegas. Pretty amazing that I can be going through something like this and still be able to enjoy life so much :)

Still Got It!

I just got offered an all-expense paid vacation to Vegas! I've STILL GOT IT!!! 

This is the event flyer!

Best Shoot EVER!

Today I had one of the best shoots of my modeling career! Pretty amazing that i am 29 and bald and just got to work with one of the most solid teams ever. I live shooting with Rick Rose Photography, and we had an amazing makeup artist, assistant, etc! So much fun and such great work! I feel on top of the world!

Behind the scenes

New Paintings

Been painting a bunch lately! Love that I am learning about this new part of myself. Focusing on the art clears my mind :)

Natalie's Baby Shower

It was really nice to have some girl time with Natalie and her friends...she is the most adorable mommy-to-be !

Only one more to go!

ONE MORE chemo infusion to go!!!

Had my second-to-last yesterday...feeling a little bleh (tired and out of it) today. But excited to have only one more infusion before I can put chemotherapy behind me!

Bald Photoshoot in the Desert

A teaser of things to come! Such a fun shoot!!!

 Rick Rose- Photographer
 Jocelyn Anne - Model 
Carly Ryan Mua- Makeup Artist
 Brandon Sapin - Stylist
Air Butchie  -Behind the Scenes

Painting

First painting as an adult completed! I found this to be very therapeutic!!! AND you can actually tell what it is--surprised by my new-found talent! :) I used watercolors and it took me a total of about six hours.

detail photo

New Wig

New wig looks so real! 

Go Me!

It's Wednesday, AFTER CHEMO and I'm working......CRAZY!!! Slept 11 hours and can't believe I feel like a person today!  HANDLED!

Two More To GO!

Home from my infusion...two more to go! Unless I have any kind of bad reaction to this drug, then we move forward to surgery. I told my oncologist about how down I got last week and she told me that the steroids I was on have that affect! So, it was just a side-effect of the drugs...I'm not turning into a negative nancy!  Back and ready for action!!!

Shooting

Went to the shooting range for the first time, felt good to blow off some steam. I like to feel a little badass sometimes. makes it easier to fight!

No Disclosure

Funny story: So, I go out on this second date last night [I know, I'm trying to get back out there] and we're at this fancy seafood restaurant in SM. This guy is extremely well-traveled, so we're engaged in a cultural comparison conversation [he hasn't a CLUE that i have cancer]. 

He's talking about American maximalism versus British minimalism. For example, how Americans think, "I can fit one more couch in my house" versus the Brits who think more like, "what furniture could I do without in here"...at which point I interlude [and agree] about my experiencing scandanavians bragging that their summer homes don't have plumming or don't have electricity. And then he says, "I mean their attitudes in general are minimalist" and proceeds to tell me a story about calling up a Brit he knows and asking how they're doing and their response being, "Good, good. Got a bit of the cancer, but good all in all" [or something similar]. He continues on passionately to say that an AMERICAN would have trouble speaking of anything else in their life once they had cancer. "An American would talk your ears off for hours about their cancer", he proclaimed. I laughed audibly and said, "Is that so!?!"

LOL

It was hard not to tell him right then, but I felt like it would've been a bit heavy to do so in a restaurant like that. Guess I am a bit British....too funny.

Out on the town

I went out with my ladies last night to Beachers Madhouse to try and mingle my newly single self :)

Single

Jon left me yesterday. WE had been arguing a bit but I was so sick from chemo that I asked him to wait until I felt better. He refused and left my stuff at the door with Melanie. A year and a half...talks of buying a home for both of us to live in and children. Gone. 

Now I plan to go for the double mastectomy...no sense in holding onto one breast for breast feeding when I am starting over. I rather eliminate as much rusk as possible.

Out and About

Jon and I watched the sunset at the Hermosa Pier and walked around town last night. So nice to get so much fresh, ocean air.

Like my wig?

Prison

Starting to feel a bit like myself again...when I am sooo tired, it makes my comfy amazing bed feel like a prison. Eat lunch...need a nap. Talk on the phone...need a nap. Take a bath...nap time. I miss having all my energy! Come back!!!

Chemo Day #3

Chemo day If you don't hear anything from me for the next four or five days, I'll be in bed.

Ticking Clock

Tomorrow is treatment 3 out of 8. I am really dreading it. Last infusion, since I wasn't all numb like the first infusion after surgery, I could feel the chemo going into me. It was quite horrible...almost a burning sensation. The nurse said it was because I am so skinny.

Just sitting there knowing you are being poisoned is enough to make me nauseous. And if you have to go to the bathroom during those four hours, you have to drag the whole iv stand and hold all the tubes that are connected to you out of the way....and you pee red. Because the chemo is freshly inside you.

Then I have to go back the following day for the white blood cell boost shot....the whole thing really sucks. Even when I am on my good week, like now, I always feel like there is a deadline approaching. The clock is ticking away and I only have a few days before I am down and out again.

Each time I get invited to a party or event, I look in my calendar to see if it falls on a good week (and I could go) or on a bad week (and I can't). Then I look at the location to see if it's an indoor crowded venue (and I can't go) or if it is outdoor and/or safe. So many limitations.

Compliment

Got a compliment on my hair from a friend who owns a hair salon tonight! Had to tell her I was wearing a wig (my new red one)....she was shocked! I told her that it meant a lot coming from her. 

Guess I don't have to worry about the people around me being able to tell I have a wig on if a hairdresser couldn't even tell! Wooohoo!

Matching Baldies

 
Went to visit friends after the shoot and thought it was cute that our heads matched :)